Want to know why guys lose interest so quickly early on in the relationship? The answer might surprise you…
Q: I’m 33 and keep attracting the same kinds of guys who pursue me for about a month and seem really into me, but then all of sudden they disappear. It seems like these guys just lose interest after the chase. So my question is why do men lose interest so quickly? How can I keep a guy interested for longer than a few dates?
This is such a common question. Here’s the typical scenario: a new guy you’re dating comes on really strong right out the gate. You might not even be that into him at first, but he pursues you with vigor.
When you finally start to have feelings for him, he loses interest and pulls away. What is going on here? Why do men who seemed really interested after the first few dates suddenly disappear on you?
There are a few different things going on here. The first thing to address is the thrill of the chase.
Guys Who Lose Interest After The Chase
Guys are programmed to love the chase. They get a rush any time a new woman finds them attractive, funny, smart, and irresistible. They do everything they can just to prove to themselves that they can get the girl.
But once she shows interest and he actually gets her, he doesn’t have anything to prove anymore. His fear of commitment kicks in and his first instinct is to run. So he moves onto the next conquest so he can get that ego boost again by pursuing someone new.
Guys who need the ego boost of a new conquest are insecure. They lose interest when a girl shows interest because on some level they feel unworthy. They need to go chase after another girl to feel worthy again.
I know a guy who once told me that any time a girl he liked started to like him back, he’d think there had to be something wrong with her if she liked him. His insecurity about himself made him lose interest in any girl who actually liked him because he didn’t feel worthy of her liking him in the first place.
Guys who fit into this category are emotionally unavailable and were never interested in being in a relationship in the first place. So how can you avoid these kinds of guys and attract more secure men with substance who are actually looking for relationships?
Don’t fall for it when a guy feeds you a bunch of lines and comes on really strong on the first few dates. Confident guys with substance don’t need to do this. Instead, look for the guy who’s more discerning. A guy who’s really serious about being in a relationship won’t show his feelings until after he’s gotten to know you and decided you are the one for him.
How To Keep Him Interested
Okay, so once you learn how to attract the right kind of guy, how do you keep him interested?
Even a guy who’s emotionally available and secure with himself can lose interest if you move too fast for him. It’s important to take things slowly.
Don’t give him everything all at once. Don’t start texting and calling him all the time and clearing your schedule for him. Don’t bend over backwards to get him to like you and make things work out.
If a guy feels like you are more invested in the relationship than he is, your perceived value goes down and he loses interest. When he has to work for you, your perceived value goes up.
Only make him a priority in your life when he’s earned it. At every step in the relationship, guys want to feel like they’re earning the investment you give them. If they’ve done nothing to to earn it and you’re overly invested, he’ll lose interest.
So if you’re wondering what you should do to keep him interested, the answer is actually don’t do anything. If you have to do something, it means you are trying to push him into something.
Guys don’t want to be pushed into anything. They want to come to a decision about a woman on their own. If they feel like they were forced into something too soon, they’ll start to pull away.
So if he hasn’t called you back, ignore the instinct to call him so he doesn’t lose interest in you. This will only make you seem needy and desperate. When a guy is really interested in you he will call you.
The best thing you can do is stay busy. Go out and have fun without him. Hang out with friends, have some me time, and enjoy life. If you stay busy, he’ll be too worried about whether you’re available to lose interest.
But I just want to be clear about one thing here. When I say stay busy, I’m not talking about playing games and making him think you’re busy when you’re really just sitting at home waiting by the phone for him.
Don’t put your energy into convincing him you have a life, put your energy into actually having a life!
Don’t Jump The Gun
It’s also important to be in the present moment. If you think too far ahead into the future and get too serious too soon, it can scare him off.
When you start building a relationship up in your head into something it could be in the future, rather than what it is right now, you’re jumping the gun. Have fun and enjoy the moment.
Guys take things one step at a time, while women are more likely to think into the future. When you’re just starting to date a guy, you’re not going to know right away if he’s the one, so just relax and try to have fun in the here and now.
If you start sharing your feelings or making future plans before he’s thought about that stuff, he will feel that you are more invested in the relationship than he is. Relationships don’t work when one person jumps too far ahead of the other person.
When you jump ahead of him and push the relationship into the future to soon, he’s going to feel like you’re forcing it on him. He won’t feel like it was his choice.
How To Build Attraction
You want to build up enough attraction in the early stages of the relationship so he feels strongly enough about you to commit to you on his own accord. When it’s his choice to commit to you, then you’ve really got him.
So how do you build the attraction? Guys fall in love based on how they feel around a woman. If you’re constantly texting him to find out where he is, or pressuring him by asking him where the relationship is going, he’s not going to feel good around you.
Be confident, playful, and self-assured. Have fun. Laugh. Go with the flow. Make him feel good around you in the present moment so that he wants to spend his future with you.
Be the best version of yourself. The version of you where you’re just doing your thing, chilling with friends, and having fun. Don’t be the crazy, insecure version of yourself who’s constantly wondering if you’re good enough for him.
Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. If you’re feeling insecure because he hasn’t called, go out and have fun with your friends. Don’t let him know you’re insecure about it. Make him work for you.
If he loses interest and pulls away, let him. Keep it drama free. Recognize that you can’t force him to be interested in you. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll realize what he’s missing out on and he’ll feel safe enough to come back because he knows you aren’t pushing him into anything.
About Adrienne Mansfield
Everytime I read an article about a men not wanting a woman who makes the first move, having to “live your life” so that he gets worried about possibly losing out on a great woman, I take one step closer to saying the hell with relationships. Men are too much work anymore.
Hello i need some advice as im really confused. I been in a relationship with the guy for 4 months. he is 31 and im 23. Everything was great, we understand each other well, chemistry was there and i sow the way he was looked at me…. he intruduce me with his family and we talk about future he said no girl made him feel like me, when i was sick he look after me and i could say he put me like his priority. he was technician in school and his contract was finished 2 months ago i know he tried to apply for phd or work as a teacher but nothing didnt work for him he got depressed and told me that he cant handel the situation and everything got under his skin and that he feel that he shouldnt be in the relationship. he said he need to focus on himself and he cant be there for me the way i need i couldnt accept he also said he struggle with the money which i know about abd he cant even pay his car and he is depressed and want to. e aloneit and was ringing him many time and texting him too i ask him if he wants to see me again and he said yes as he care about me enought but not atm he said he still got feelings for me. he bought me ring from pandora 2 months ago expensive one and i was like why u bought me that when u have no money he said i want to say no girl put such efford into the relationship like u and of course i love u and from one day to other he wants to break up i ask him if he miss the time we spent together and he said yes i do …. i know he was like my best friend too and we had a great time together im still confused i want to meet him again. We didnt talk over a week now. he told me i want to meet him as i want to make the relagionship alive… im feeling bad and i miss him a lot. I know i probably was needy and was acting dasperate like i have to see him and etc he was also saying if i would get pregnant that he would be really depressed even more as he cant do his role when he has no job and he wants to get good job not job where he wont be happy. what should i do?
Me and my fiancé have been together for 10 months the first few months was amazing we got engaged 2 months after we got together although we have known each other a long time and been friends previous to that. And we decided to try for a baby which were not having any luck at all and then all of a sudden it feels like he’s pushing me away we used to cuddle and kiss all the time now I’m lucky if I get one cuddle a month. We used to have sex a few times every day and again I’m lucky if we have it once or twice a month now it feels like he’s lost all passion for me like I’m not good enough he won’t even hold my hand anymore and the past few days he’s even started sleeping on the sofa, I love him too pieces but I honestly don’t know what to do I feel so alone 🙁 can anyone help me rekindle our old relationship back
My bf he is not interested on me since 6months ago but we both in relationship almost 1 year but nw he says not interested in love because he is having a aim to achieve it..is it true about the reason that he said?
Hi I met this guy, sweet respectable, humble and quite. I’m married. He was flirting with me at this wedding and I made a statement and he said why u didn’t tell me you were married. I said why should I tell you that, but at the time I didn’t know he was flirting. He helped me packed all my stuff in my car. A few days later, we came across one another, had a nice conversation. I met him, we talked and when he got ready to go he kissed me in the mouth. It felt so good because my husband and I was on bad terms and had been for a long time. He was on the verge of moving out but I never told this guy that. We text and talked, things were going well, then I started to feel distance and he told me nothing was wrong, so we met again and talked never had sex. He kissed and hugged me a few times. My husband moved out a few days after that. I started to feel distance again but I had never told him my husband was gone. We was suppose to meet and we didn’t. I text him that next morning s d told him to be honest with me. He said I’m sorry, I don’t think we should do this, it’s wrong in so many ways. I called him and he answered. I asked him what was the problem, he said this is new to both of us and I don’t like the sneaking around, we can’t be in the open. I asked him was that the real reason, he said yes. I said well you don’t want to talk or see one another. He said I want to keep all lines of communications open. He said I haven’t made a decision but I’m still thinking about it, you’re a beautiful person and I think you’re an outstanding mother. I was upset. I did talk to him a little after that and I text him about a week ago and told him whenever he gets his self together he can contact me. I respect him for not wanting to sneak around, but my mind still wonders.
Yep, man can sense if a certain woman just can’t love him. He will marry that woman. You see, when he realizes that no matter how good looking he is, successful he is…she is out of reach, he wants her…he wants unattainable. Perhaps, he is spoiled rotten and wants the one he can’t have! She may think she is in love at first…but deep down she doesn’t love him for whatever reason. He feels it… All these are unconscious processes of course…
So here I see a problem with this article: it never raises fundamental question: Is it all normal in the first place? WHY “his loss of interest” even a subject of discussion?! Maybe we should start from the fact that men in modern society removed all moral restrictions from themselves and live by idea that they have a right to be disrespectful liar, don’t keep his word, act like a toddler, and avoid any difficulties and responsibilities. Because it’s in their genes!!! Do what is good for you at the moment, disregard consequences of your actions, take advantage while you can, get what is yours! Hey, you are the man!
Men have been given power and responsibility to exercise leadership when it comes to relationship with women. Every gift of power comes with obligations to follow rules of right and wrong. Abuse of power is one of the most devastating mistakes one can make. Be aware!!! Presence of penis doesn’t automatically makes one a man. One has to earn that title.
Fantastic article. Thank you Adrienne. You’ve outlined everything I have surmised and learned the hard way but beautifully worded.
All of this is correct from a guys side.
I’ve been talking to this guy for over 2 months and the first month was perfect too perfect we both had meet each others parents n family . Yes everything seemed to fast specially knowing he had just gotten out a 5 year relationship 4 months ago at the time we started talking . I wanted to take a weekend off of him because I didn’t want to make so available to him since we have been having Eveyday weekend I was afraid for him to get tired amd lose interest so I dos r made any plans with him or invited him this one weekend and told him I went to a club after that he started acting different , the next day which was Sunday I had made a joke about him being I front of my house since he’s same car was there . He reply by saying no is not amd I said I still got my eyes on you amd he said you sure you still got your eyes on me after clubbing . I said what does going had to do with me not having my eyes on him and he said single girls amd clubs don’t mix well . And then he said he didn’t get not one invitation or sence that I wanted to see him . Of course made me happy to think he cared amd was jealous but Monday came amd he seemed cold so I asked him if he was mad mad at me amd is when he just blow out and said all things like he feels we want different things and everything happend so fast amd saying so many things but still yet he wants to talk to me and see me . So after almost 3 weeks of not seeing each other we did yesterday and I just felt so awkward . What to do ?I do like him but now I’m not liking him as much as before I’ve been nothing but nice to him and he’s fam. How can I make him be interested in me again ?
Guys love chasing. this is very true.
thanks this article is damn good.
If he is losing interest then I’m gonna have fun with my friends as you have suggested.
I will set him free and if he cares for me then he will come back.
Sorry ladies but Im going to be straight up with you. Never , ever take a good man for granted , if a man comes into your life who is willing to help cook , clean and do laundry while going to work and help take care of the kids hold onto him tight , cherish him and never let go because the minute u become a total complete b**ch and start nit picking at every little thing he does and pount out all his little faults then he will gone , because theres always some other women much younger who will appreciate him .
Best of luck
Okay so I’ve been seeing a guy a few days right away we click and spend a few nights together but I’m starting to feel like this guy thinks he’s hot shyt always staring at himself in the bloody mirror the whole nine yards…his phone constantly goes off when he’s hear (always women) on the the other hand when we aren’t together he texts and call me all day. I’m not buying this crap though I’m not a ego feeder lol
It’s funny, the first part about the emotionally unavailable guy is me, even though i’m a girl this suits me, i do this thing where i chase a guy then the second he reciprocates interest i suddenly dislike him and pull away from him. I really hate that i do this but now i know why and i realized i don’t actually want a relationship, i just want someone to like me that i like so i can prove to myself that i can get people that i find attractive. thanks for this wake up call.
Staying busy is a good idea, but it still doesn’t erase the fact that he’s not showing interest. Maybe it’s not the woman. Maybe the guy is a fickle jerk not worthy of her time? Why does it always have to the woman’s fault!
Because we have been conditioned by *society* to constantly feel this way about ourselves.The menz are always perfect,tho lol.
I used to think these kinda suggestion is ‘playing games’ with guys. Until a guy who took months to figure out he needed me, chased me up crazily, at last left me after a 40 days dating/living together. He was very frank. He told me that he just was not feeling the same way anymore and he didn’t want to lie to me.
Now I realise that neither of us knows how to take care of a relationship or ourselves.
Good advice.bt with ol that one can jst decide to walk away for no reason!
why is it that whenever a relationship starts falling apart it’s automatically the woman’s fault? why do women have to struggle so damn hard to keep the relationship alive if their male partners are not willing to put in the same work?
Me and my fiance have been together a little over four years. We have two beautiful children a girl who is 3 years old and a boy that will be 2 in February. We split up for about four months because we were always arguing. Well I’ve been back home almost a year now and I thought things between us would be a lot better. I was wrong. I mean it hasn’t been terrible but it hasn’t been exactly great either. I’ve tried to talk to him about our relationship but he brushes it off like everything is fine. I love this man so much with all my heart and don’t want to lose him but we argue over crazy things just to argue. He isn’t romantic at all anymore. He use to do small things to make me happy now I’m lucky to get a kiss or an “I love you”. I have to mention it before he does either. Please help our relationship and help me with some kind of advice. Thanks.
Sucha natural advice! Something all girls can put to practice because if you like dating, lets face it . youve been through this!
Hi I am 22. I have this guy in my office, he is totally super good looking, and when i saw him 1st I tohugght o myself ‘never gonna happen’ – coz i have this habit of underestimating myself! Then we met through common friends and he totally hit upon me continuously! I thought he must be a pervert, craving only sex coz he had a 2yr long distance committed relationship! I tried to fight my feelings and his advances towards me by ignoring him to the fullest! Then one day I was talking to him about this other guy in office and how cute that guy was, he got insecure and confessed that he likes me! Now on his birthday night, he pulled me towards himself and kissed me! We made out a bit and then did not speak again! But he kept on saying, that once I return from my 2 month vacation he wants to have a ‘talk’ with me and maybe get into a relationship! I don’t understand! Is he there for physical love or for real? I cant get him out of my head specially after the HOT make out we had. To admit, I too had a giant size crush on him!