Want to know why guys lose interest so quickly early on in the relationship? The answer might surprise you…
Q: I’m 33 and keep attracting the same kinds of guys who pursue me for about a month and seem really into me, but then all of sudden they disappear. It seems like these guys just lose interest after the chase. So my question is why do men lose interest so quickly? How can I keep a guy interested for longer than a few dates?
This is such a common question. Here’s the typical scenario: a new guy you’re dating comes on really strong right out the gate. You might not even be that into him at first, but he pursues you with vigor.
When you finally start to have feelings for him, he loses interest and pulls away. What is going on here? Why do men who seemed really interested after the first few dates suddenly disappear on you?
There are a few different things going on here. The first thing to address is the thrill of the chase.
Guys Who Lose Interest After The Chase
Guys are programmed to love the chase. They get a rush any time a new woman finds them attractive, funny, smart, and irresistible. They do everything they can just to prove to themselves that they can get the girl.
But once she shows interest and he actually gets her, he doesn’t have anything to prove anymore. His fear of commitment kicks in and his first instinct is to run. So he moves onto the next conquest so he can get that ego boost again by pursuing someone new.
Guys who need the ego boost of a new conquest are insecure. They lose interest when a girl shows interest because on some level they feel unworthy. They need to go chase after another girl to feel worthy again.
I know a guy who once told me that any time a girl he liked started to like him back, he’d think there had to be something wrong with her if she liked him. His insecurity about himself made him lose interest in any girl who actually liked him because he didn’t feel worthy of her liking him in the first place.
Guys who fit into this category are emotionally unavailable and were never interested in being in a relationship in the first place. So how can you avoid these kinds of guys and attract more secure men with substance who are actually looking for relationships?
Don’t fall for it when a guy feeds you a bunch of lines and comes on really strong on the first few dates. Confident guys with substance don’t need to do this. Instead, look for the guy who’s more discerning. A guy who’s really serious about being in a relationship won’t show his feelings until after he’s gotten to know you and decided you are the one for him.
How To Keep Him Interested
Okay, so once you learn how to attract the right kind of guy, how do you keep him interested?
Even a guy who’s emotionally available and secure with himself can lose interest if you move too fast for him. It’s important to take things slowly.
Don’t give him everything all at once. Don’t start texting and calling him all the time and clearing your schedule for him. Don’t bend over backwards to get him to like you and make things work out.
If a guy feels like you are more invested in the relationship than he is, your perceived value goes down and he loses interest. When he has to work for you, your perceived value goes up.
Only make him a priority in your life when he’s earned it. At every step in the relationship, guys want to feel like they’re earning the investment you give them. If they’ve done nothing to to earn it and you’re overly invested, he’ll lose interest.
So if you’re wondering what you should do to keep him interested, the answer is actually don’t do anything. If you have to do something, it means you are trying to push him into something.
Guys don’t want to be pushed into anything. They want to come to a decision about a woman on their own. If they feel like they were forced into something too soon, they’ll start to pull away.
So if he hasn’t called you back, ignore the instinct to call him so he doesn’t lose interest in you. This will only make you seem needy and desperate. When a guy is really interested in you he will call you.
The best thing you can do is stay busy. Go out and have fun without him. Hang out with friends, have some me time, and enjoy life. If you stay busy, he’ll be too worried about whether you’re available to lose interest.
But I just want to be clear about one thing here. When I say stay busy, I’m not talking about playing games and making him think you’re busy when you’re really just sitting at home waiting by the phone for him.
Don’t put your energy into convincing him you have a life, put your energy into actually having a life!
Don’t Jump The Gun
It’s also important to be in the present moment. If you think too far ahead into the future and get too serious too soon, it can scare him off.
When you start building a relationship up in your head into something it could be in the future, rather than what it is right now, you’re jumping the gun. Have fun and enjoy the moment.
Guys take things one step at a time, while women are more likely to think into the future. When you’re just starting to date a guy, you’re not going to know right away if he’s the one, so just relax and try to have fun in the here and now.
If you start sharing your feelings or making future plans before he’s thought about that stuff, he will feel that you are more invested in the relationship than he is. Relationships don’t work when one person jumps too far ahead of the other person.
When you jump ahead of him and push the relationship into the future to soon, he’s going to feel like you’re forcing it on him. He won’t feel like it was his choice.
How To Build Attraction
You want to build up enough attraction in the early stages of the relationship so he feels strongly enough about you to commit to you on his own accord. When it’s his choice to commit to you, then you’ve really got him.
So how do you build the attraction? Guys fall in love based on how they feel around a woman. If you’re constantly texting him to find out where he is, or pressuring him by asking him where the relationship is going, he’s not going to feel good around you.
Be confident, playful, and self-assured. Have fun. Laugh. Go with the flow. Make him feel good around you in the present moment so that he wants to spend his future with you.
Be the best version of yourself. The version of you where you’re just doing your thing, chilling with friends, and having fun. Don’t be the crazy, insecure version of yourself who’s constantly wondering if you’re good enough for him.
Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. If you’re feeling insecure because he hasn’t called, go out and have fun with your friends. Don’t let him know you’re insecure about it. Make him work for you.
If he loses interest and pulls away, let him. Keep it drama free. Recognize that you can’t force him to be interested in you. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll realize what he’s missing out on and he’ll feel safe enough to come back because he knows you aren’t pushing him into anything.