Want to know why guys lose interest so quickly early on in the relationship? The answer might surprise you…
Q: I’m 33 and keep attracting the same kinds of guys who pursue me for about a month and seem really into me, but then all of sudden they disappear. It seems like these guys just lose interest after the chase. So my question is why do men lose interest so quickly? How can I keep a guy interested for longer than a few dates?
This is such a common question. Here’s the typical scenario: a new guy you’re dating comes on really strong right out the gate. You might not even be that into him at first, but he pursues you with vigor.
When you finally start to have feelings for him, he loses interest and pulls away. What is going on here? Why do men who seemed really interested after the first few dates suddenly disappear on you?
There are a few different things going on here. The first thing to address is the thrill of the chase.
Guys Who Lose Interest After The Chase
Guys are programmed to love the chase. They get a rush any time a new woman finds them attractive, funny, smart, and irresistible. They do everything they can just to prove to themselves that they can get the girl.
But once she shows interest and he actually gets her, he doesn’t have anything to prove anymore. His fear of commitment kicks in and his first instinct is to run. So he moves onto the next conquest so he can get that ego boost again by pursuing someone new.
Guys who need the ego boost of a new conquest are insecure. They lose interest when a girl shows interest because on some level they feel unworthy. They need to go chase after another girl to feel worthy again.
I know a guy who once told me that any time a girl he liked started to like him back, he’d think there had to be something wrong with her if she liked him. His insecurity about himself made him lose interest in any girl who actually liked him because he didn’t feel worthy of her liking him in the first place.
Guys who fit into this category are emotionally unavailable and were never interested in being in a relationship in the first place. So how can you avoid these kinds of guys and attract more secure men with substance who are actually looking for relationships?
Don’t fall for it when a guy feeds you a bunch of lines and comes on really strong on the first few dates. Confident guys with substance don’t need to do this. Instead, look for the guy who’s more discerning. A guy who’s really serious about being in a relationship won’t show his feelings until after he’s gotten to know you and decided you are the one for him.
How To Keep Him Interested
Okay, so once you learn how to attract the right kind of guy, how do you keep him interested?
Even a guy who’s emotionally available and secure with himself can lose interest if you move too fast for him. It’s important to take things slowly.
Don’t give him everything all at once. Don’t start texting and calling him all the time and clearing your schedule for him. Don’t bend over backwards to get him to like you and make things work out.
If a guy feels like you are more invested in the relationship than he is, your perceived value goes down and he loses interest. When he has to work for you, your perceived value goes up.
Only make him a priority in your life when he’s earned it. At every step in the relationship, guys want to feel like they’re earning the investment you give them. If they’ve done nothing to to earn it and you’re overly invested, he’ll lose interest.
So if you’re wondering what you should do to keep him interested, the answer is actually don’t do anything. If you have to do something, it means you are trying to push him into something.
Guys don’t want to be pushed into anything. They want to come to a decision about a woman on their own. If they feel like they were forced into something too soon, they’ll start to pull away.
So if he hasn’t called you back, ignore the instinct to call him so he doesn’t lose interest in you. This will only make you seem needy and desperate. When a guy is really interested in you he will call you.
The best thing you can do is stay busy. Go out and have fun without him. Hang out with friends, have some me time, and enjoy life. If you stay busy, he’ll be too worried about whether you’re available to lose interest.
But I just want to be clear about one thing here. When I say stay busy, I’m not talking about playing games and making him think you’re busy when you’re really just sitting at home waiting by the phone for him.
Don’t put your energy into convincing him you have a life, put your energy into actually having a life!
Don’t Jump The Gun
It’s also important to be in the present moment. If you think too far ahead into the future and get too serious too soon, it can scare him off.
When you start building a relationship up in your head into something it could be in the future, rather than what it is right now, you’re jumping the gun. Have fun and enjoy the moment.
Guys take things one step at a time, while women are more likely to think into the future. When you’re just starting to date a guy, you’re not going to know right away if he’s the one, so just relax and try to have fun in the here and now.
If you start sharing your feelings or making future plans before he’s thought about that stuff, he will feel that you are more invested in the relationship than he is. Relationships don’t work when one person jumps too far ahead of the other person.
When you jump ahead of him and push the relationship into the future to soon, he’s going to feel like you’re forcing it on him. He won’t feel like it was his choice.
How To Build Attraction
You want to build up enough attraction in the early stages of the relationship so he feels strongly enough about you to commit to you on his own accord. When it’s his choice to commit to you, then you’ve really got him.
So how do you build the attraction? Guys fall in love based on how they feel around a woman. If you’re constantly texting him to find out where he is, or pressuring him by asking him where the relationship is going, he’s not going to feel good around you.
Be confident, playful, and self-assured. Have fun. Laugh. Go with the flow. Make him feel good around you in the present moment so that he wants to spend his future with you.
Be the best version of yourself. The version of you where you’re just doing your thing, chilling with friends, and having fun. Don’t be the crazy, insecure version of yourself who’s constantly wondering if you’re good enough for him.
Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. If you’re feeling insecure because he hasn’t called, go out and have fun with your friends. Don’t let him know you’re insecure about it. Make him work for you.
If he loses interest and pulls away, let him. Keep it drama free. Recognize that you can’t force him to be interested in you. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll realize what he’s missing out on and he’ll feel safe enough to come back because he knows you aren’t pushing him into anything.
About Adrienne Mansfield
I have been together with my bf for 6 months. Everything seemed pretty fine at first because i didn’t really like him. He tried so hard to catch me and i wanted to breakup with him for so many times in every little arguments we had. After 4months i started to love him more and more. I felt insecure each time he didn’t text me when he’s at work (we live together). I talked too much about his past and blamed him for every nonsense things regarding to his past relationships. I felt not good enough for him and i didn’t trust him. I allowed him to meet his friends only if its with me. I accused way too much. While i was just at home doing nothing but complained. Last week when i was out of the country we had argument. The next morning i chat him accused him again and it was the final. He finally said he wanted to breakup. 2days i tried to convinced him i will change my behaviour. Because i realised its not the first time. I broke up with my exes because of my behaviour as well. I talked with my 2 of my exes and the first one said i was too clingy and didn’t trust him. The second one said i was too insecure, didn’t let him to chase me, and never trusted him. So basically all of them had kinda same reason for breaking up with me. I love my current bf so so much that makes me realised i almost ruined the relationship because of my insecurity. At first i didn’t believe guys could lose their feelings only because of their girl’s insecurity. But you are right. My man fell in love with me because i was so happy, i brought a lot of positive vibes around, i remember when i asked him before why do you like me and he said idk you are so active and I’m so happy around you. The minute i started to feel insecure and not good enough he began to lose interest on me.
*Guy here*
I been pondering around the web just trying to grab as much advice and stories as I can.( thinking to much) I hate the chase, cause apparently I suck at it. First time in my life I actually had this feeling towards a girl. I feel I been trying to hard, so I ask around to compare. People say that’s nothing compare to what they do for their one. I am like JEEZ wow why it took you that long just for a first date!!!
I’m 16 and I know I’m just at that age where boys just want to get in relationships for sex nowadays but I’m dating this guy. Who was my best friend, he helped me out with my relationship stuff with my exs and then when I broke up with my last boyfriend a month later he asked me out saying he liked me. I’d had a crush on my best friend since I met him so I told him I’d think about it. I talked to my friend and she told me that would be the best! Because we’re like the other half of each other were that close. So well we’re dating now and he’s just different lately like this week, he started ignoring me, my texts, my calls. And he used to talk to me all the time like I couldn’t get him to leave me alone but now I’ll text him once a day and hell ignore me for hours sometimes it’s been days. And it’s upsetting becau will love him so much and he is my best friend. Well he’s been distant lately, he says it’s because he’s going through a rough time but he won’t talk to me about it. I used to be able to talk to him about everything even the girl drama and shit because he’d always listen, but now he just gets pissed off when I tell him what’s wrong with me. And I’ve been going through a hard time lately, with my parents, friends, school, I’ve even been raped and that was hard to get over, I’ve been depressed lately and it’s harder when the only person I talk to is ignoring me and distant. And I’ve asked him if he’s losing feelings for me and he said no. So I don’t even know anymore. What do I do?
Ok so i am 20 i was in a relationship from past two years and we broke up 16 times in this time period. He left me with every silly fight and came back after 3;4 months when he forgot everything and i always take him back cause i cant even imagine my life without him. He is so caring towards me ! Although we met hardly.but whenever we did he made me feel like princess.thats y i love him.. i only opened up my self towards him only so last time we had a fight that we stopped talking … chatting without any good reason then one day he texted me for frnshp , i called him n cried to give me another chance cause i was being clingy last time .. that i suspected him that he was cheating on me.. bt he was loyal so i was feeling guilty. Then we patched up we spoke nicely he came to my home we kissed n cuddled he bit my stomach n kissed thereafter i teased him n he went after few days we met for a movie i kissed his shoulder passionately which he liked n he holded my thigh tight his hands pampered my face n we had a great time … we took a taxi n he sitted hugging me n touching n teasing me … n he asked me for a kiss bt i didnt wanted to give .. cz the driver could see us so i just gave a 1 sec kiss that he didnt liked…. next day in the morning he said .. he wants to brk up n i act like his slave which he doesnt like n when i say love u he doesntfeel anything .. n ol that rubbish .. n he left me crying he denied to meet n talk or on phone call he said he cant face me .. i just want to know what happened… he said i am.changed… that i dnt make arguments now .. about he doesnt text me back n so… like that ! I dnt know whats wrong with him.. i tried to explain everything but he didnt .. replied any of the text ! He left me in misery ! Atlast i messged him saying i respect wtever his decision is… n i stopped texting him.
I want him back ! 🙁
I’m a 37 year old female going thru a painful relationship. What was once a beautiful relationship, I trusted him with all that I am. I thought I was the only Women in his Life. Painfully he confessed to me on New Years Day (1 Jan 2016) That he slept with his ex and that he still has feelings for her! Ever since then its been an Emotional Rollercoaster of Lies, Deceit & Manipulation. All of a sudden he stopped texting me, has not called Me at All….You can only imagine what I’m going through rite now….I need advice on what to do
Same story happened… what happened later?
Hi devika, I understand the things u have explained. My man is exactly lyk urs. so i understand.
I feel he is narcissist.. Guys like that only chase after girls who dont give them attention once they got attention they lose interest. This is because they have problem with their life . It has nothing to do with u.
All i say is that dont let him use like doormat. Its very important to feel good abt urself okay. N if something belongs to u it will come to u eventually. U dont need to fight for that. U have given ur best and thats enough.Now leave it on your destiny. N get busy with life & friends.
Sorry ’bout that, similar actions happened to me a few months ago. Though we weren’t at the “I love you” stage yet, he started to ignore me, and avoid nearly everything to do with me, even talking to my close friends, singling me out. My friends told me to let go, I honestly did, but didn’t want to. I kept lying to myself that he still loved me. School then ended, (yes we’re still in school) and we ended just walking away from each other. (He was going to a different school next year, so it was our last day together) Earlier, he wouldn’t respond to any of my texts, nor call me. Here’s the thing. Just leave the relationship. It’s really unhealthy, and can lead to trust issues and other problems. I started to cut myself and have suicidal thoughts over this ex. Listen to everyone else and how they percieve him. Love makes you blind. My solution to escape my ex’s poisoning grasp was to look for another boy. And less than a month later, I have gotten myself another boyfriend. But thanks to the first one, I have developed trust issues, and legit investigating every word he says and taking nearly every small move as something which it probably isn’t. So please, before you are hurt anymore; before it starts to affect you emotionally and physically, let go. Leave, and show him that he’s had a million chances, and he failed all of them. Be with friends do your hobbies! I know how this feels, I’ve been through it. I felt as if I needed him forever, but those are the feelings that can also lead him to leaving. Find someone, who’ll treat you as you really need to be treated; like a woman. (Well you are older than me, so uhm, lol) Don’t let him end you. It’ll get better. ?
This was really good article… It’s enlighten my mind… Thank you for all the.ideas and guide… It can really help!
just a question whoever can answer, I’ve been dating this guy for 3 years now, we have a baby together and just recently he hasn’t showed much interest in me, the compliments have stopped, we would show so much affection but now he doesn’t, and our sex life was amazing now it’s like stopped and when we have it, it’s like once in a blue moon if he feels like it, but when I want there’s an excuse. any advice?
Hiya, I have been with my now fiance for 2 years and over the past 6 months he’s lost interest in sex and it males me feel eugh, but he reassures me that isn’t the case and that he’s just tired all the time, but to me it just seems like an excuse all the time. What can I do?
I know the feeling but not until the tables turned did i realize what was happening. I used to work a 3rd shift and in the beginning obviously theres a lot more sex bc its something new! Like with everything u get comfortable,so at the end of a long night or the next day I was just drained and couldnt really trigger the needed stamina to feed him affection like he wanted. Then he started working a more demanding job and i started being around the house more (we have only been together maybe a year and a half) and now i feel like he used to bc he is always drained and i feel like he isnt as into me intimately. And i understand bc I know he truly loves me. Now if i doubt his actions and stress my lonliness ill make him feel that im unreasonably demanding. Never underestimate your partners struggles or down their responsibilities with inconsideration for how heavy their load might really be.
As a guy and speaking on the behalf of some men, the chase is not a thrill for me as this article states. If I like her then I’ll go after her and if she jumps right in my arms then yes that’s a red flag but if she hold herself not to be easy and makes it a little hard then that’s attractive for us and makes us feel that we’ve got something good and pure but if a woman is not showing interest, being busy and not showing that she’s interested but really is then we loose intrest quickly and move on! Men don’t like games either and just as woman look for security, good looks, humor and love and passion, men look for respect, good looks and someone he can talk to about the things he likes and have her relate. Too many times these games are played because some men are dogs and immature but in reality most of us men actually do see our future as having a family, being married living the American dream with his woman right there with him.
As a married woman, this statement is very true!! When I first my husband, I gave him just enough to know I was interested and I would say I was a challenge, that’s what kept him wanting more. Ten years now, were still in love. I learned I had to respect not love him, it sounds weird but true, love freaked him out like desperate. Respecting him is the key. I know lady’s that sounds crazy. He loves you and we respect them. Simple.
You just hit the nail on the head.
Respect as a man is the no1 thing i want from my woman,
love and love-making and come 2nd.
a respecting FAT wife is way more appealing than a thin one who doesn’t.
so respect your men girls, love to masculinity is respect
Come on guys wake up. I feel that just forget about the chase and stay celebate. No one woman is worth all the effort and expense, and even when you do make it over the hurdles, theres no garuntee that shes not going to ‘flick you over’, for some other guy that dosn’t care a bag of beans for her. Women seem to be attracted to those guys that don’t seem to want them in return. Nice Guys finish last. This appears to be common situation, where guys that want to do the right thing gets thrown over because he’s being too nice and caring. Just listen to the words of popular love songs, extolling the missery of “she left me for another”, or “I just cant make it without you.” Guys pull away because its generaslly more trouble than its worth. Stay a bachelor.
marry me 🙁
Omg, you’ve freaking sorted my head out! lots of love to you! I have seriously been trying to understand some guys and was feeling down of just marrying someone who just likes me and haven’t expressed much and I was thinking where the hell is the chase!! but now that this article has made me understand guys, I feel better.
Now I also feel better. But I also loose interest sometimes
Awesome article… It covers everything that I needed to know. Thank you
When I read shyt like this it seems like men are way more trouble than they’re worth. No wonder there are so many lesbians nowadays.
Vicky, I must say I partly agree with you. But lesbian or not, there is a lot of shyt that goes to perpetuate the mthy of some relationships. its a wonder there arnt more gays on their way.
He’s not a lot of work if you respect him and his time. Take him for granted and he loses interest. See him only on your terms he loses interest. Tell him you want to sleep with him but not now…just soon…he loses interest. Essentially all the mind games SOME women play usually lead to a man losing interest.
It isn’t difficult or a lot of work. It’s called r e s p e c t.
Really good advice. Points taken…
what if a guy is insecured about a girl who goes out with friends and so he is always having a problem as to why the girl is out with friends ….and when it comes to him he does’nt want any restrictions on him..he wants his own space…he doe not want the girl to stop him for anything but he does opposite to the girl…what should be done in this situation ?
You dump him. His double standard is bullshit
yes I agree. There is a double standard opearting there. Just hang with your friends and forget about him.
I have this same problem down one please help answer this please 🙂
IceCream sounds like a better deal. Stick toeating icream and forget the rest. Be selfish. Forget the prick.
The great thing about this country is freedom darling so if youre unhappy and your man doesnt show you off and make you feel proud and cater to all your emotional needs then life is too short to wait on nothing to change !! Only you can get up and say enough is enough and make a positive change for your happiness even if it means being alone for a little while! Falling in love with yourself is one of the most important love affairs you can have!
Yes and falling in love with yourself,.. is also safer sexually. Blistered hands, warm heart.
hei am 25 years old and am 3months pregnant so my boyfriend totally changed hes back together with her 2 years ex girlfriend. they also have a baby together and they now came to visit him at his place. the problem is he come see when he wanna see me and he said I must call when I want to see him or call.am confused I don’t know what to do am in love with him.help please
You need some serious self-esteem
Hm, I would say the first red flag is that he got back with his ex..? You shouldn’t let him wander and go about, that will lead to an (if not already) unhealthy relationship. He might be using both of you for attention. “Oh, look that man’s got himself two ladies, well done!” Or some shit like that. And based on this timing, I’m guessing that you’re either close to having the baby, or already had it? When you did or will have the baby, was he there during labor? Did he seem to be ready to take responsibility of the new human? What’s his relationship with his ex? If my boyfriend were to get with an ex (or someone else, I’m his first) I would interrogate him in a way, ask him what’s going on. Maybe plan something with the ex, two women and definitely more powerful than just one man. I would then suggest let him decide what he wants out of these relationships. Sex, popularity, or a real one? You and his ex could also just walk out together and leave him there. Anyway, I wouldn’t suggest staying with him and commiting, you two aren’t even married! Go have fun with your life, and find another man, who’ll treat you like you really need to be. If this has been resolved by the time you read this, congrats!
Hi! Thank you for this article that sums up everything!
Do you think it’s possible to get back a guy that got scared because I showed him too soon that I was into him ? (I initiated contacts, slept with him too early…) A few months have passed, I met up with him and he’d like to see me again. So this time I’d like to reverse the trend, make him understand I am not usually like I this, let him breathe and “play his man part”…
Thank you!
Yes, I would give him another chance, he seems to have just felt rushed and pressured, though liking you. If he’s a shy guy, I might make a few moves, so he wouldn’t chicken out completely. Good luck!
best advice EVER
Just a thought, it may be that you are phyco. Lets face it all girls are crazy but there is some crazy that is fun and some crazy that will make you run. Some girls go into a relationship with something to prove or start out with a bunch of baggage and you find that they just aren’t worth it. I meet a girl once that tried to impress me by telling me how many guys she had been with which was a big turn off and disappointment. She was smart, pretty, and fun to be with but when she started to talk about her past I found that she was just damaged goods so I ran for it. While a “party girl” is fun you don’t write home to momma about her. A good girl without a bunch of tats, goes to church, tells you to watch your mouth when you drop a “F” bomb is a girl that is very hard to find but if you do find her she is a keeper no matter how hard it is to get her to notice you. I know this other girl that pretty, has a super clean house, a lot of fun to be around and makes a guy feel like the king of the world but if she had as many pricks poking out as she has had poked in she would look like a Christmas tree and when she finds a guy they will always run once they find out about her. Be a good person and you will find a good guy. If you have had a questionable past keep it to yourself. If you have this issue over and over it is probably you not them.
Great advice! It’s true that some women have to unload their baggage on the first date and it’s a big turn-off, even to potential female friends.
This is all fine and good, but what if a man takes the relationship to the next level and then back tracks? That’s what happened to me, anyway. So even following these guidelines, there is still a risk that he will change his mind or try to drop it down a notch after HE is the one that took the relationship to the next level. Very annoying and hurtful, to say the least.
OMG this just happened to me. We dated for 2 months, everything is progressing, first we had simple dinner then spend time 2-3 times a week, we were intimate but he never let me stay over (which I figured is becauee it’s too much commitment) then one day he was all ok and in fact invited me over to stay the night, had a good night, had a wonderful morning, he even kissed me hard before Ieft, contacted me still day or two after then puff no news. What is up with that?!?! All he had to say was he was busy.
Sorry to say sweety, hes probably got someone else.. Once he’s got the goods so to speak…the challenge is gone….so he’ll move on…but dont be surprized if he suddenly appaers out of the blue one day and wants to come back. Men are governed by their wieners.
this article just opened my eyes. thank you for that.
you are utterly encouraging ladies to be more passive. that’s very bad.. and for how long should they remain passive so the so called guy keeps chasing her foolishly? face the fact that passiveness is entirely boring and it gets the guy real bored. why not try little tests of his fidelity before showing him how boring you can be…
Guys do not feel any thrill in the chase. Chase is hard work and effort. Only women feel the thrill. A guy will lose interest when the girl is not as interesting it seems. Guy always think hard to make a girl laugh but when she only laughs and take no effort to make him feel good – he quickly loses interest.
Yes True…but you must consider what it is she is really laughing at?