Want to know why guys lose interest so quickly early on in the relationship? The answer might surprise you…
Q: I’m 33 and keep attracting the same kinds of guys who pursue me for about a month and seem really into me, but then all of sudden they disappear. It seems like these guys just lose interest after the chase. So my question is why do men lose interest so quickly? How can I keep a guy interested for longer than a few dates?
This is such a common question. Here’s the typical scenario: a new guy you’re dating comes on really strong right out the gate. You might not even be that into him at first, but he pursues you with vigor.
When you finally start to have feelings for him, he loses interest and pulls away. What is going on here? Why do men who seemed really interested after the first few dates suddenly disappear on you?
There are a few different things going on here. The first thing to address is the thrill of the chase.
Guys Who Lose Interest After The Chase
Guys are programmed to love the chase. They get a rush any time a new woman finds them attractive, funny, smart, and irresistible. They do everything they can just to prove to themselves that they can get the girl.
But once she shows interest and he actually gets her, he doesn’t have anything to prove anymore. His fear of commitment kicks in and his first instinct is to run. So he moves onto the next conquest so he can get that ego boost again by pursuing someone new.
Guys who need the ego boost of a new conquest are insecure. They lose interest when a girl shows interest because on some level they feel unworthy. They need to go chase after another girl to feel worthy again.
I know a guy who once told me that any time a girl he liked started to like him back, he’d think there had to be something wrong with her if she liked him. His insecurity about himself made him lose interest in any girl who actually liked him because he didn’t feel worthy of her liking him in the first place.
Guys who fit into this category are emotionally unavailable and were never interested in being in a relationship in the first place. So how can you avoid these kinds of guys and attract more secure men with substance who are actually looking for relationships?
Don’t fall for it when a guy feeds you a bunch of lines and comes on really strong on the first few dates. Confident guys with substance don’t need to do this. Instead, look for the guy who’s more discerning. A guy who’s really serious about being in a relationship won’t show his feelings until after he’s gotten to know you and decided you are the one for him.
How To Keep Him Interested
Okay, so once you learn how to attract the right kind of guy, how do you keep him interested?
Even a guy who’s emotionally available and secure with himself can lose interest if you move too fast for him. It’s important to take things slowly.
Don’t give him everything all at once. Don’t start texting and calling him all the time and clearing your schedule for him. Don’t bend over backwards to get him to like you and make things work out.
If a guy feels like you are more invested in the relationship than he is, your perceived value goes down and he loses interest. When he has to work for you, your perceived value goes up.
Only make him a priority in your life when he’s earned it. At every step in the relationship, guys want to feel like they’re earning the investment you give them. If they’ve done nothing to to earn it and you’re overly invested, he’ll lose interest.
So if you’re wondering what you should do to keep him interested, the answer is actually don’t do anything. If you have to do something, it means you are trying to push him into something.
Guys don’t want to be pushed into anything. They want to come to a decision about a woman on their own. If they feel like they were forced into something too soon, they’ll start to pull away.
So if he hasn’t called you back, ignore the instinct to call him so he doesn’t lose interest in you. This will only make you seem needy and desperate. When a guy is really interested in you he will call you.
The best thing you can do is stay busy. Go out and have fun without him. Hang out with friends, have some me time, and enjoy life. If you stay busy, he’ll be too worried about whether you’re available to lose interest.
But I just want to be clear about one thing here. When I say stay busy, I’m not talking about playing games and making him think you’re busy when you’re really just sitting at home waiting by the phone for him.
Don’t put your energy into convincing him you have a life, put your energy into actually having a life!
Don’t Jump The Gun
It’s also important to be in the present moment. If you think too far ahead into the future and get too serious too soon, it can scare him off.
When you start building a relationship up in your head into something it could be in the future, rather than what it is right now, you’re jumping the gun. Have fun and enjoy the moment.
Guys take things one step at a time, while women are more likely to think into the future. When you’re just starting to date a guy, you’re not going to know right away if he’s the one, so just relax and try to have fun in the here and now.
If you start sharing your feelings or making future plans before he’s thought about that stuff, he will feel that you are more invested in the relationship than he is. Relationships don’t work when one person jumps too far ahead of the other person.
When you jump ahead of him and push the relationship into the future to soon, he’s going to feel like you’re forcing it on him. He won’t feel like it was his choice.
How To Build Attraction
You want to build up enough attraction in the early stages of the relationship so he feels strongly enough about you to commit to you on his own accord. When it’s his choice to commit to you, then you’ve really got him.
So how do you build the attraction? Guys fall in love based on how they feel around a woman. If you’re constantly texting him to find out where he is, or pressuring him by asking him where the relationship is going, he’s not going to feel good around you.
Be confident, playful, and self-assured. Have fun. Laugh. Go with the flow. Make him feel good around you in the present moment so that he wants to spend his future with you.
Be the best version of yourself. The version of you where you’re just doing your thing, chilling with friends, and having fun. Don’t be the crazy, insecure version of yourself who’s constantly wondering if you’re good enough for him.
Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. If you’re feeling insecure because he hasn’t called, go out and have fun with your friends. Don’t let him know you’re insecure about it. Make him work for you.
If he loses interest and pulls away, let him. Keep it drama free. Recognize that you can’t force him to be interested in you. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll realize what he’s missing out on and he’ll feel safe enough to come back because he knows you aren’t pushing him into anything.
About Adrienne Mansfield
hi im luna i bassically had a crush on this guy so i sent him a letter telling him about it he told me he liked me back but now hes losing intrest..what do i do?
I was with a man who trick me in b in love with him ,he did not share the same feelings.he told me he was in love with me and then I found a new Facebook account he created and block me on at the time we were 2gether.then he moved in with some other girl that age she was 25 and he was 40 ….but he show up at my door unannounced.i always open my door 2 him cuz I was deeply in love with him I was trying 2 get over him and turned around told me that I’ll never get over him …he left and a few days later I seen a picture of boylth of then 2gether that hurt me then month later he went back 2 jail and sent off 2 prison 4yr sentence he ask me 2 b a character witness for him in court that young girl he was living with showed up once she seen me there she left the courtroom and didn’t even stay to help him with court. On his sentencing hearing. Well in time we talked through phone calls I told him I’d be there for him to help him through this 4 years tell me he was in love with me this none is not now it’s like seven months before he gets out and now it tells me that if I don’t fix myself we’re not going to be together out of the blue. When in all before all this and is better she told me he was in love with me he was going to be happy he thanked me for giving another chance to make it right and he just turned around and just tell me and a phone call that if I don’t fix me there’s not going to be no us I’m not the one who messed up he was and for him to sit there and tell me that and told like he’s hurt me since the camera he was another to me and that that was my inches all along it’s a good job I’m done bye I haven’t said it’s been a couple of months you left me in the dark the hard time to move on and get past this out with so much in love with him and I don’t even know why well he did was lie to me lie and lie and lie why is it that I fall in love with somebody that just lies to me
This was an excellent article. I stumbled across it thinking it was from a man’s perspective so I was surprised at how intuitively written and honest it was.
I joined online dating sites about a month ago after not having been on a “real” date since my last two back to back marriages (and subsequent divorces). All that I’ve ever known is to lay it on thick and getting a relationship started hot and heavy (and somehow lasting, though definitely not forever!), so clicking instantly with someone who seems to understand your very SOUL is so utterly disconcerting and confusing when it’s an uprupt buh-buy from him.
You’ve answered every question that I had after the first click here. I just want to thank you for (suffering? lol) the research and coming back with the holy grail.
Getting my feet barely wet with online dating may not be like most everyone’s experience with face-to-face dating, but this is a wonderful start. ❤
Playing hard to get only tells him that you are going to be a lot of work. Most of you aren’t worth that much effort.
Any woman who insists on being chased ends up not being worth the costs of doing so – and I’m not just referring to money. She ALWAYS wants to be chased no matter what is going on in his life, else he “doesn’t love her anymore.” Keep this up too long, make him work too hard to win and keep you, and he will eventually decide you are more trouble than you are worth.
Men do not feel unworthy of us,they feel entitled to us.And when they can’t have us (solely for sex) they move on lol.
Sorry but this article is crap. If a guy lays it on heavy in the beginning then after you finally reciprocate the interest he disappears then the guy is clearly playing games and is too immature for a relationship. How are you going to tell women to not ‘move too fast’ with a guy when HE already set the place by jumping into the situation as fast as he did? Why is it always women being taught how to hold a guy’s interest? That’s too much work trying to figure out what this dude really wants! Women are not mind readers and shouldn’t have to try to be, period.
thanks. this is really helpful..
So maybe, just maybe, this “hard-to-get” stupidity is over and the stupid “games” and s–t tests are over, and we can come in at something better than a 50% divorce rate.
Hi.. I know this guy for about 3 months now, we know each other from dating site, we live in the same town. he travel a lot in the first month, we haven’t meet yet at that time. but during that time he keep send me message and call, he called me sweetie and hit me with a lot of sweet words. I was happy, but I haven’t meet him yet at that time so I feel insecure. I was totally insecure before because I was on bad relationship and don’t really want to know new people, but he show up with all his bullshit. One day, I finally met him, we went to cinema, for the first time I was surprise because he looks different from his picture, he is not really my type. I keep make my self believe “it’s fine” I know it sounds silly but in another way I feel “I feel safe” so I don’t really think about how he looks like. by the time we keep our “friendship” until I feel so happy every time Im with him, we spending time together, meet each other. he problem came when he said he likes me.. but he don’t want relationship. Im getting confuse with that. it’s awkward..
by the time he seems lose interest to me and I feel it’s so awkward situation between us. now he is gone, he hasn’t contact me, I tried to contact him but I didn’t get any replay until now. so pretty much understand and can’t do anything about that. its so awful since I start to like him back… am I fool? why he act like that? I don’t want that fast relationship either, but he judge me if I want relationship with him, even not ask how I feel about him.
Hi.I’m 23yrs old. I met a guy in social media and soon after we are becoming frnd. Always he used take overfreedom. He shown too much intrested at me. He doesn’t propose me bt I’m fall for him Once we met in a common place.bt nw a days he is not showing interest at me.he doesn’t text or call. I’m talking effort to communicate.nw I can’t make out what happened in my life.
I think he was flirty.. or he is loosing interest in you… Never express your feelings to a guy even when he himself didn’t! U have to talk with him for a while if he doesn’t reply you give up n move on… He think that you haven’t any self respect… So keep your self strong n save n make him realise that you don’t care about him any more…
Hi i have a boyfriend dat we dated for over 3yrs now, first time we met he told me dat he has a girlfrnd home that dey dated almost 7yrs , then we continue dating until we have a son, but he was communicating with de girl from home almost everyday, until now and we are staying together he is hiding our son to the girl, his parents dey sometimes come to visit me in our house , but my man he is still communicating with de girl, we dont have sex we cant even kiss but we sleep de same bed together, he is always chatting with de girl on my presence and he is always moody i love de guy i dnt even want to loose him , and wen i want to move out he doesent want even his mother she always say i should not go , so im confused gey, sometimes if i go out he will complain say i like to come back home late , honestly i dnt get wat is happening and now he has almost 5 yrs not seeing dat girl