Every woman is bound to come across a guy who runs hot and cold. The hot and cold men are the ones who get close to you, then pull away, then get close to you again, and then pull away again.
One week they are calling you and texting regularly, and it is great to be around them. They make you feel loved and adored, and you think everything is going great. The next week, they disappear and you feel completely rejected and alone.
So what is the deal with these guys? Are they just playing games? Every situation is going to be different depending on what is going on in your relationship. It is most likely that these guys are unsure if they want to be in the relationship. For some reason, they are being wishy washy and the bottom line is that they do not really know what they want.
In this situation, there is only one way that you should respond. Give them space! Most women do the complete opposite and that is a huge mistake. Calling these guys and demanding answers is only going to push them further away.
Reaching out and trying to fix things is only reinforcing the cold behavior. Giving these guys space is the best way to communicate that you are not okay with the hot and cold antics. If your man is not sure of the relationship, then you need to carry on with your own life. You do not have time to waste being tossed around by a guy who loves you one minute and ignores you the next. Date other guys and act like the hot commodity that you truly are.
When a man pulls away at one point in a relationship, he usually is looking for some freedom and space to just go and be a man and do what men do. This is pretty normal and nothing to really worry about. Men need space in order to grow closer to you and to take the relationship to a deeper level.
But when you are dealing with hot and cold men who constantly go back and forth, that is a different story. You need to hold your ground in this situation, and demand better for yourself. If he is messing with your emotions, then it is time to move on to find a man who will treat you better, because you deserve better.
Speak up and tell your man how his behavior is making you feel. Stay calm and try not to be confrontational. Tell him that you are looking for a more solid relationship with a man who does not have doubts. If he is doubting things, then you are not willing to wait around for him and are ready to move on. Let him know that you can handle the truth and give him a chance to explain himself.
It is important to back up your words with actions. If you decide to give him space, then do not contact him at all. If you tell him you do not want to wait around for him, then cut yourself off and go date other guys. It is important to give off the vibe that you are a hot commodity and your time is valuable. This will make him see that he could lose you if he does not get his act together.
If he comes around and starts shaping up, then great! If not, you did yourself a favor by cutting him loose, because he was only wasting your time and playing with your heart. You deserve to be treated with respect and demanding that for yourself is the best way to deal with hot and cold men.
About Adrienne Mansfield
What to reply when he texts me saying heya but he goes hot and cold on me but says he missed me and also said he loved me what should I text back to put him in his place?
Hi.
I am dating a guy right now, who lost his wife after 49.5 years. He put a stipulation on himself to allow himself a yr for grieving. Great, as it was a sudden death. But what does he do? Mid stream he went on a Christian site and of all the profiles, mine caught his heart! I felt very flattered. We have been writing only email for 4 months, after which he woke up & felt guilty and apologized – he had broken his “vow”. So for next 2 months, he stipulated, no more contact no Christmas cards, emails or nothing, as he wanted to wait till end of Jan 2020, anniversary of his wife’s death, plus the influence of his 2 daughters!!! I was very sad about that, but respected that. Christmas!! I prayed hard at end of month, and had been very busy with friends and all, BUT VOWED NOT TO CONTACT HIM! YES , GOD ANSWERED PRAYER – NY DAY I HAD A MESSAGE FROM HIM, ” I MISS YOU SO MUCH” I ANS IN 2 SENTENCES, ANOTHER ONE CAME… “I MISS YOU SO MUCH” SHORT REPSONSE. COUPLE DAYS LATER ANOTHER note, a paragraph… “I’m so glad your in my life…. I really miss you!” I thought to myself, take off the dam yoke, be a man, come over hug me and tell me so. He ask me to set a place for my Feb birthday, a few weeks from now. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR YOUR ADVICE TO PLAY COLD!!! IF I DON’T SEE OR FEEL ANY ROMANCE – I SAY TO HELL WITH HIM… PARDON MY FRENCH!
Im 39 and I had a 50 plus man do this hot/cold thing to me for four months and it hurt me deeply. But then I realized he’s insecure, immature, and full of teenage games. He’s the loser not me. Anytime a Man starts this emotional roller coaster with you” get off” unless you’re a thrill seeker. He’s a Boy not a man because anyone that’s mature and secure won’t hurt you, and also won’t be passive aggressive. So my advice is to tell yourself over and over this isn’t healthy for me and I really deserve better.
Ladies and Gentleman this is simple. Start being more selfish yourself! If the other party either girl or guy is running hot and cold – dont be available for more – they only can do this because you allow them to! If you stand in the road you will get run over, if you get up and stand in the road again….. you got it! Take control of your lives you lovely people! Get what you want out of a relationship, be nice, be polite, be kind, dont play games, if someone makes you feel sad, hurt, used or confused, they are not for you.
The simple message is: Value yourself more x
We as women know we push men to “catch up” to be in the relationship like we want it to be…and they can’t always do that if they are honest with these, so we end up pushing them away by trying to make them be like we want them to be, they become like cornered dogs and ladh out, or to avoid that, become silent. No one wants to feel they are being pushed into something they aren’t ready for.Women oftentimes are looking for some type of caregiver even if not financially, emotionally, and guys don’t get as emotional ad fast as women do.Patience sometime is best .So glad the guy COMMENTED!
Personally, I think when you run into this problem, you are dealing with some insecurity issues on the male part. I feel the intense hot in beginning isn’t really him, rather his ego being recharged. When you start to experience the cold, it isn’t him changing at all, it’s simply the real guy unfolding.
I think you’re right. My boyfriend is the classic hot and cold guy. He persued me hard and I rebuffed him for months but finally agreed to date him because I thought he would be good to me. I was so wrong. The hot and cold started about 4 months after I returned his I love you’s he was saying. He projects this confident personality but his ex-wife was far below him in attractiveness, intelligence, and every other way. They had nothing in common but I think he chose her because she made him feel better about himself because he thought he was better than her and she put up with his poor treatment because she thought she was really lucky to get him. I don’t put up with his callousness and I’m ready to give up on him.
I think this is the best description I have I come across. We say oh he change but he didn’t change he just became who he really was.
I’m currently having this problem. He says he’s “busy.” He is, it’s true. We have never been officially “together,” and he made it clear at one point that he will hang out with who he wants, but there’s a strong possibility he’d want to be exclusive with me. However last time we “split” we had an upsetting blowout. This time-round 6 or so, he saw me at a store, then hit me up immediately. He said the darndest, sweetest things. We went out to eat. Intense chemistry, he made all the moves, and for the first time he made love to me. I felt all his affection that night. Then POOF! Gone. He did respond to my texts throughout the week. I called him on Monday and it sounded like he completely forgot about me. He invited me over and I irritated the shit out of him. Today I decided to bring this up, I told him that he’s hot and cold and that eventually I’ll walk because it makes me feel really bad. He said: “well then if you’re going to it should be now, because I’m going to be less available in the spring.” He also accused me of only wanting sex. I told him that if he pulls back, I’m going to pull back because it’s natural, and I don’t want to rush him. I also suggested that he be my date for a dance, and valentine’s day. Ha! He won’t. It’s like all this hot and cold crap makes me not even feel anything. It’s so hurtful! It’s like why do you disappear after that? A day, two days space. Then you want to talk to them again. And I’m supposed to wait around for 5 days to hear a peep. When I’ve had good relationships you always come closer and you hang out more and more, talk more and more. It’s like the polar opposite with him. We’re close for a few hours then it’s distance forever. I don’t know what this guy wants, but if he doesn’t step up then oh the F well.
I am so lost and confused. I’ve been dating this guy and it’s the first relationship where I have been in love and had it reciprocal. He is always telling me how much he loves me and that I am the best thing that ever happens to him. I stay over at least once a week. It’s all going well. However a few days ago he asked me about my past relationships. I had never really told anyone before but he said he trusted me and I love him so I told him. It’s been really bad for me in the past and this shocked him. But he said he was happy I opened up to him, and that he loved me even more for it. Yet in the days following he has been very cold. He hardly ever responds and when we are together doesn’t have the same adoring look in his eyes. I feel isolated and I’m scared that he is slipping away from me and that somehow finding out about my past has ruined it. I am so lost and I don’t know what to do. Why is he acting this way?
Should have kept your private details personal
hi Charlotte, just move on and be happy especially when you are arround him. he’ll feel jealous and unwanted and mightvregain his self conciousness.
When men ask about your past relationships, keep it light. They want to see if you are going to railroad the past guy. Ultimately you feel as though you are being transparent, but what you are actually doing is looking for pity and for his sympathy. The victim role doesn’t go well with all dudes, when we don’t take responsibility for the past mistakes and choices we made in a partner, its a turn off.
I’m glad I came across this article. I slept with my coworker a couple weeks ago. It was only our second time hanging out (knew him for 4 months and tried to pursue him for about the same amount but not so much invested any time, just have been interested for that long. he also knows I like him) Our first date was a kiss and I did not want to sleep with him so soon but it happened 2 weeks later. He told me he wasn’t ready or want a relationship at the moment but for me to not see it as he just wants to sleep with me. I did not ask if he likes me bc I assumed he was testing waters and well it’s obvious he does. We’re in our early 20s so I know it’s hard to take me or the situation too seriously. But when we work together he gives me so much attention and so flirty and last time we worked together he kissed me and takes like small things like a simple hug as a big deal. Everyone knows we’re talking but he does not make the effort to see me outside of work. I eventually gave up but he happened to reach out the week i decided to let it go. First date went really well, he followed up, everything was good. We texted the following week and the next weeks I ended up sleeping with him. he did not follow up or send me a text at all. I saw him at work 2 days later and he was even more loving towards me and just seems like he really really likes me. He texted me when I left asking for me to get back safe and I thought it was ok again. I texted him the next day about work but mainly did so I could ask him to hang but he stopped responding. He is very unresponsive to me or he will be really responsive and it’s so frustrating because I just don’t know how to act around him. Every time I tell myself I’m moving on, I see him at work and everything’s always great. If anything, it’s been getting better but I just feel like I’m wasting my time now. I never asked in detail but his first and last relationship was 3-4 years and I believe it ended a year and a half ago.
What if the guy is your husband?
You can also use this technique,
“Speak up and tell your man how his behavior is making you feel. Stay calm and try not to be confrontational. Tell him that you are looking for a more solid relationship with a man who does not have doubts. If he is doubting things, then you are not willing to wait around for him and are ready to move on. Let him know that you can handle the truth and give him a chance to explain himself.
It is important to back up your words with actions. If you decide to give him space, then do not contact him at all. If you tell him you do not want to wait around for him, then cut yourself off and go date other guys. It is important to give off the vibe that you are a hot commodity and your time is valuable. This will make him see that he could lose you if he does not get his act together.”
You see husbands are easiest because he married you for a reason and if he knows he’s going to lose you, he will try to make things work for you and him. I did with the guy I liked. I just told him:
“What is it you want from me?” You tell me you’re not ready for a relationship and I try to plan things with you but you are always busy but then you come back and tell me you want to ask me out on dates but you said you couldn’t. I tried to move on but our friends convinced me that you wanted to be with me.” Which one is it?
He was honest and said I thought I was ready to be in a relationship with you because I started having feelings for you but clearly I wasn’t. He told me after I asked whether he wanted to move this forward and he said no.
Tell him you need space to figure out what it is you want from life and relationships and see where it will go from there
If your husband is acting hot and cold to you it means he is seeing someone else.
Hi.
I met a guy at my office. First he seemed like really like me and always found ways to talk to me. But after some times he ignored me and played cold. Did not talk to me or chat to me. But sometimes he flirted me but never call or text.
The guy at work is different he walked out of the office. Outside, he cares for me but after that behave like we are nothing to each other.
T_T so difficult to understand
Great advice..but so hard to stick to it. I met a man online, we met up, we got on really well, we met several times, even spent a few nights together, it was uncomplicated and he made me feel very special. He sent me text messages all the time, calling me sweety, being generally lovely and keen…A week ago he came to my house, we spent a few hours together, everything was great, since then he’s gone distant and cold, his texts have gone very ”matter of fact” as if we are just mates, and now he doesn’t reply at all. I have no idea what I’ve done, I am trying to keep away and not get in touch, but I am finding it very hard, and I really just want to know why he doesn’t bother any more. We have been seeing each other for 5 months, I just do not understand why he can’t at least tell me what went wrong. I am quite sad about the whole thing now, cos I really like him, and he always gave me the impression he really liked me, too.
From my experience, he is showing you his true colors. This is a blessing in disguise. He is a selfish person who doesn’t know how to treat people. Some men are addicted to chasing many women. Sometimes during the time that they are being cold to you, they are actually out there trying to meet many women and then when those relationships end, they feel lonely again and want to come back into your life for that boost to their self esteem. Then when you have built him back up again, he is ready to be cold to you again and go searching for a new lover or two. No one needs a man like this in their life ever. He did you a huge favor. Now you know he will not be a good husband or partnered for you.
Guys’s perspective – I usually play “cold” when I’m mad at a woman. Say she flirts a lot with a guy who’s buffer than me or something that makes me feel insecure and I don’t want to seem needy and accuse her of being a flirt. So I’ll just ignore her or treat her like a nobody (I couldn’t treat her nicely when I’m mad even if i wanted to) until a) I cool down b) She realizes she’s pissed me off and tries to be nicer to me.
I’m just hoping that you’ll notice that you’ve hurt me. Maybe I’m a bit jealous, but I never flirt with other girls in front of someone I like, so I expect the same behavior.
Thanks for your comment. What you said helps me understand how I probably am making the guy mad at me. He’s acting cold after he sees me talking with other guys. I notice he is getting back at me by flirting with other girls.
But if were not together why trip but i can see that if they like me and do the same things you do. I didnt mean to hurt him or make him jealous..its just im a cute girl and if you tryn to work on yourself am i just suppose to wait for you??
If you are playing “cold” because you are too stubborn / emotionally immature to express when you feel hurt or wronged and work through that as two mature adults, that’s on you and its NOT healthy. Two wrongs don’t make a right….
Rosemarie, there is no world in which it is okay for someone to “get back at you” by flirting with other girls. That is the path to an emotionally abusive relationship. I can promise you that.
Great article! Thank you so much! This helped me alot!!
Hi
How true. We women tend to focus on what men want and how to bring them closer to us. Big mistake (from experience), how about we have our own lives, show him u are happy with and without him. If he doesn’t know your value and worth, then amicably cut your losses and someone who will honor you will come around.
Yes, it’s not easy but it’s possible.