Guys give a lot of reasons for not wanting to be in a committed relationship, but they are usually just excuses designed to let you down gently so they do not have to tell you the harsh truth. Let’s delve into some of the most common reasons why men really do not want to commit.
1. He fears losing his freedom
This is the most common reason men are afraid of commitment. While young women grow up dreaming about finding that one perfect man and settling down, men spend their younger years enjoying the freedom to date lots of women and go out partying with the guys.
Men see being in a relationship as the end of their freedom. They also see it as the death of possibility, because settling down with one woman means they will have to give up on the fantasy of sleeping with tons of women.
Biologically, men were not designed to sleep with one woman. They were made to procreate and spread their seeds, but of course, men today have evolved and are 100% capable of being in monogamous relationships. You just need to understand that they still feel that drive to have sex with multiple women.
2. He fears losing his identity
Another very common reason that men will not commit is because they fear that you will try to change them and they will lose their identities. Being part of a couple does not mean that each partner should lose their identities as individuals.
Many men have this fear because a past girlfriend tried to change them. Even though it has nothing to do with you, they may carry this fear of all women because of their past relationships. Maybe your man’s last girlfriend nagged and complained all the time and he never felt good enough for her just being who he was.
Showing a man that you have no intentions of changing him will help alleviate these fears and make him feel safe committing to you. Support your man’s passions and dreams and let him know that being in a relationship with you will add value to his life rather than take away his identity.
3. He does not see you as girlfriend or marriage material
A lot of men may seem like they are commitment phobic or emotionally unavailable, but then you break up with them and they go and marry a woman after dating her for only a few months. What is the deal with that?
In that situation, it is clear that the man was just not ready to commit to one particular woman, but when the right woman came along, he snapped her up and married her. The message here is that if your man is not willing to commit, it might be because he just is not ready to commit to you specifically.
Do no feel bad about yourself if this is the case. It just means that your man has not developed an emotional attachment to you on a deep enough level. His fear of losing you has not become greater than his fear of losing his freedom.
The best thing to do in this situation is to give your man enough space to develop the emotional attachment to you that is necessary for him to want to commit. Pushing things and trying to get closer to him will just smother him and make him want to pull further away.
You need to make yourself a priority and show him that your universe does not revolve around him. Go out and have your own life. Dating other guys is one of the best things you can do because it will keep you busy and keep your options open. You do not want to get hung up on that one guy who is not ready to commit to you, because you deserve better.
About Adrienne Mansfield
Really though- don’t cite “science” and “biology” if you don’t know what you’re talking about. Humans did not evolve for women to have one partner to procreate with forever and men to go around not committing to anyone, and having tons of baby mamas. That makes no sense biologically. If that’s how humans evolved or even were created to procreate, human offspring would be born far less helpless, they’d be less labor intensive to raise, and would grow up much faster. Instead, the best and also historically most common scenario for human genes to be passed on is to have both parents committed to raising the children, i.e for both partners to be committed to raising the offspring. Read Jarred diamond’s book “Why Is Sex Fun” to understand this. And unlike this author, he bases his assertions on research 😉
1) he’ll lose everything he has in a divorce
2) some other dude will get to raise his kids and take vacations on his child support and alimony
3) he knows the sex train derails as soon as the wedding is over.
My situation is I want to get married and settle down and my bf is almost thirty and isn’t ready to settle down. I just feel not good enough and it makes me sad because I love him and if he loved me like he says he does then why not tie the knot?
Yall I’m confused. I’ve been with him almost 7 years he was always putting something or someone else in front of me. Then he stopped and asked me to marry him but wouldn’t settle or keep a date. This year he got really drunk after being sober 3 years, talked really bad to me and my family, started a fight and haven’t seen him in a week. No phone calls, won’t answer, don’t know where he is. I know he is blaming me because everything is always my fault. What do I do?
As difficult as it is, I think it may be the end for you two. Although there may be alternative motives behind his actions, he is clearly displaying a lack of respect, and providing you with reasons leading to a lack of trust. I would recommend following your gut instinct, whatever that may be, but ultimately, no one deserves that treatment.
Take some time for yourself, find out who “YOU” are again, and eventually your prince charming will come around.
Don’t let people walk all over you – it’s degrading for yourself personally, and for your image you project – women who allow men to walk all over them are generally perceived as vulnerable, weak, and needy. Although it may be love keeping you around – sometimes love just isnt enough.
Try and stick to the five year rule – if its been five years and he shows no true commitment towards an interest in pursuing something serious – he probably never will.
I hope things are resolved soon, and that you find yourself a worthy man 🙂 Good luck!